Changing Your Relationship to CHANGE

DEFINING CHANGE
Change - the act or instance of making or becoming different - is a natural and inevitable part of life. Change itself isn’t good or bad; it’s simply a state of evolving from one thing, circumstance, or expression to another.

Change can be centered around something exciting and positive like starting a new job, buying a dream house, retiring, or welcoming a new addition to the family. It can also be prompted by more challenging situations like a medical emergency, a tragic loss, a change of role, or when a person or relationship enters a new stage of growth and development.

Regardless of what circumstances inspire it, change invites the opportunity for a person to create a new vision or understanding of themselves and their life.

WHY CHANGE CAN FEEL SCARY
Many people are afraid of change because change inevitably means facing the unknown. Predictability, maintaining life’s “status quo,” or being able to see what’s coming down the road (both literally and figuratively) feels “safer” to our brain and nervous system, where the unknown tends to elicit fear or anxiety.

This is a primal survival response.

So the secret to finding easefulness around change is to nurture a friendlier, more fluid relationship with change itself –

CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO CHANGE
So, how does a person change their relationship to change? By building a toolbox of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual resources, so that even when change comes unexpectedly, they feel fully equipped to respond.

Both conceptually through mindset –

And in practice through internal and external resourcing.

The first step to changing your relationship to change is to:

RECOGNIZE HOW YOU CURRENTLY RESPOND TO CHANGE
Did you know that, from a neuro-chemical perspective, nervousness and excitement are identical to the brain? It’s only the story a person tells themself that defines their experience as exciting or scary.

When change occurs in your life, how do you respond today? Does it cause anxiety or fear, or do you become excited and eager for the possibilities?

We all have our own personal histories, emotions, and subjective views about the world and about change that have been influenced by our experiences of early childhood and the various subcultures (family, ethnicity, country, religion…) we were a part of as we grew up.

As an example. I know someone who refers to themselves as a military brat. Their early life was filled with constant change in the form of moving cities and schools often (they went to three different junior high schools!). Given the history, one might predict that change felt like chaos to them. But in this case, everyone around them was subject to the same conditions, making it seem like more of a lifestyle, so change - at least of this sort - felt normal rather than bad or scary.

The importance of becoming aware of these early influences is that, once you can observe them from a wider lens, it allows you to then choose which beliefs feel aligned with who you are now (or want to be), and which ones you will challenge or even abolish altogether.

RE-FRAME WHAT CHANGE CAN MEAN
Like I mentioned above, nervousness and excitement light up the same areas of the brain, and it’s only the story we tell ourselves that creates any difference in how we feel.

Change the story, change the feeling.

It is a choice whether to focus on the possibilities of a situation, or the obstacles. I’ll share a memory of when this became an embodied upleveling for me… I am listening to a spiritual podcast one day while on a commute. The interviewer and their guest are talking about how, when life is at a “high,” that there is often a sense of uneasiness or impending dread as a person “waits for the other shoe to drop.”

I am experiencing this in my own life at that time, so the topic is timely for me.

The person being interviewed says something like “If you imagined the idea of “perfect” on a spectrum, with perfect in the middle, it is just as likely that what happens next will be double perfect than it would be less than perfect.

This concept that life could be “double perfect” blew my mind so wide open that I had to pull over and really let it sink in before I could continue with my commute.

Has your mind blown open yet?

BUILDING YOUR TOOLBOX
Here is some practical steps for becoming friends with change:

Embrace What Is. Accept the circumstances of change that are in front of you, whether the change is coming from you or from elsewhere.

Make the Unknown Known. Call in all the worries and "what if" thoughts, rather than pushing them away, then ask yourself:

How would I feel? 
What would I do?

After reflecting on all the what-ifs, let them all go. You have now seen the worst and know how you will feel and what you will do, regardless of what happens next - no need to create a depleting emotional loop that sucks energy from you.

Hold Space for Any Feelings that Come Up. How are you (unconsciously) guarding yourself against change?

What is in the way of this change feeling easeful and exciting (including any underlying assumptions, beliefs, or wounds)? Take particular note of ones that are derived from fear. 

Hold compassionate space for any feelings of fear, disappointment, anger, or early wounding around change that you become aware of. There are dozens of techniques for how to do this. If you’re struggling, trying asking yourself, “If my best friend was in this situation, what would I say or do for them to be supportive…?” 

Then offer that same support to yourself.

If that isn’t possible for you, try saying, “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed or stressed when navigating a change in life. I’m just going to do the best I can in this moment.”

And then breathe.

Challenge the Fears. Look for experiences that cast doubt on the validity of your fears, and the beliefs/ or assumptions you have created from them. Because our fear-based beliefs tend to be held as fact, they actually inform and influence what data we take in.

This is called Confirmation Bias.

By searching specifically for experiences that would cause you to question your fears, it helps you see how you’re filtering out certain types of information in order to (unconsciously) prove your beliefs and assumptions true.

Becoming aware of ourselves in this way moves us into the role of Observer and returns us to conscious choice on how we will respond, rather than simply being controlled by our fears.

Establish a Routine. Routine and predictability relax the nervous system, so establishing a routine can help you adjust to a transition. Regular sleep and wake times, a daily walk, meditation, or intention-setting for the day can be great additions to your routine.

Take It One Moment At A Time. Change is more manageable when you focus on the present moment instead of allowing the uncertainty of what’s up ahead to overwhelm you - breaking it down to weeks, days, and even hours can help.

Look for Meaning. Take time to reflect on what was meaningful about the time leading up to the change or the previous life phase, what you learned, what your favorite or most memorable moments of it were…

Make Time/Space to Mourn What Was. It can be important to create time and space to grieve the chapter of your life that's coming to an end. Be curious about these feelings, rather than avoiding them or trying to make them go away, 

I have found it supportive and healing to do a Releasing Ritual as big shifts occur in my own life, which create intentional time and space to both mourn and honor what was. The ritual, and the reverence I bring to it, becomes the witnessing to the pain, clearing it from the body-mind and freeing me from any feelings of loss, so I am able to engage in this new timeline, content and excited for what I will create next for myself.

Seek Support. Emotional support can be critical during times of transition.

Talking to someone who has been through a similar life change can be helpful as they'll often have some words of wisdom to share now that they're on the other side. Ask them how they managed it, how they felt emotionally, what they would have done differently, and any suggestions or information they may have to make the change easier for you.

When a person makes friends with change, they naturally create choice for themselves, regardless of the circumstance.

And choice = empowerment.

In sovereignty,
Sharon Marie Scott

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