Values: A New Take on the New Year
“When you get clear on how you want to feel, the pursuit itself becomes more satisfying.” -Danielle La Porte, The Desire Map
It’s the time of year when people talk about starting parts of their lives a-fresh and commit to New Year’s resolutions. Resolutions involve setting specific goals or commitments for the upcoming year. While these can be helpful for some people, they often focus on external achievements and tend to only address particular “symptoms” in life rather than the real goal of making change —
The new or renewed feeling-state a person is reaching for.
I’ve talked about feeling-states before. A feeling-state is the physically embodied state of an emotion.
A state of being.
How many times have you committed to hitting the gym more, eating healthier, or to getting more sleep, only to become demotivated and abandon the effort after a few weeks? How many times have you felt like you’ve failed yourself?
Resolutions aren’t successful at affecting long-lasting change because they focus on doing instead of being.
Rather than making a list of external “do” goals this year, try asking yourself: “How do I want to feel about myself and my life as I engage in the new year?” Or: “What is the feeling-state I’m reaching for?”
By hitting the gym more regularly, for example, you might be desiring more strength, stamina, and confidence. By eating healthier, you might be wanting to feel “cleaner,” more self-loving, or like a better caretaker of your body. By getting more sleep, you might be reaching for emotional or work/life balance, clarity, or more energy.
Not everyone’s answers will be alike, of course.
When a person is driven to embody their values rather than focusing on accomplishing tasks, not only do those tasks become more meaningful (and therefore satisfying), but life feels more turned on and alive.
There are people who have never thought to ask themselves how they want to feel about themselves or their own lives, and so just trying to find answers to this question can be challenging.
WHAT ARE VALUES?
Personal values are the tenets and beliefs that are most important to us. They describe who we are from the inside out. Another way to put it is that values represent our unique and individual essence, our ultimate and most fulfilling form of expressing and relating.
Our values serve as a compass pointing out what it means to be true to ourselves. They guide our behavior, our decisions, and our priorities. Discovering our core values involves reflecting on what brings meaning and fulfillment to our lives, as well as considering the principles we believe in.
When a person acts out of alignment with their values, they feel out of integrity which, over time, erodes their self-trust and identity from the inside out.
When we align with our values regularly and consistently, life feels “right,” in flow, and empowering.
My top 5 values are:
Authenticity
Integrity
Compassion
Sovereignty, and
Playfulness
If you don’t already know what your core values are, there are many fun ways to discover them.
KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T LIKE
When you socialize, read, or watch a movie, what kind of people or characters incite you to feel offended, angry, or disgusted, or who just seem to rub you the wrong way?
Make a list.
Now ask yourself: What are the traits, behaviors, and values these people exhibit that elicit these negative emotional responses from me?
These are likely the traits, behaviors, and values that don’t align with who you are at your core.
Who/What do you not want to be like?
CONTRASTING VALUES
Take a look at the traits, behaviors, and values from the exercise above. What are the diametric opposites of these traits, behaviors, and values that you reject?
Do any of these contrasting values resonate as important to you, or feel central to who you are at your core?
If the words that are initially bubbling up don’t yet feel quite right, use a thesaurus to find words that better represent the values you want to embody.
PEOPLE YOU ADMIRE
Consider the people you admire or look up to. What values do they embody that resonate with you?
SUPPRESSED VALUES
Another way to extrapolate your values is to think of the last time you felt angry, frustrated, or upset, or when someone accused you of something you didn’t do.
What values were being threatened?
Add these to your list.
PAST EXPERIENCES
Reflect on moments in your life when you felt truly fulfilled and content. How did those experiences align with what matters most to you? What values were present in those moments?
FUTURE EXPERIENCES
Imagine your ideal life without any limitations. What would your day-to-day look like?
What values would you be honoring in that life?
VIA STRENGTHS SURVEY
The Via Strengths Survey is a scientific survey of the 24 personal strengths that are most common across all cultures. It’s a useful tool in evaluating your own character and will give you words that might help you to narrow down the list of your most important values.
You can take the Via Strengths Survey (free with registration) here: https://www.viacharacter.org/ [Of note: I have re-visited this survey over the years and found that, as I continue to evolve, so do my values, so you might consider doing the same.]
How do your Via Strengths results compare to your list so far? Add or adjust to the list until you’ve settled on 3-5 values that feel authentic to you.
A NEW TAKE FOR THE NEW YEAR
“Knowing how you actually want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have. Generating those feelings is the most powerfully creative thing you can do with your life.”
-Danielle La Porte, The Desire Map
YOUR VALUES IN ACTION: AN EXERCISE
To help make this year feel motivating rather than weighed down by the usual to-do list of obligations, here is a creative exercise that puts those values into action:
Own Your Values. If you haven’t done it already, use the exercises above to determine your top 3-5 core values.
Once more, my top 5 values are:
Authenticity
Integrity
Compassion
Sovereignty, and
Playfulness
Create a Feeling-State List. With those core values in mind, how do you want to feel about yourself or your life in the coming year?
My personal brainstorm:
Authenticity: I want to feel fully expressed in who I am as a queer, kinky, relationship rebel and potent multidimensional healer
Integrity: I want to feel aligned with divine purpose
Compassion: I want to feel more loving of myself and others
Sovereignty: I want to feel in choice in every moment
Playfulness: I want to feel delightfully surprised from life, every day
Brainstorm Activities That Support You in Achieving Those Feeling-States. Now brainstorm a creative list of inspired activities and experiences that align you with, or move you toward your desired feeling-states.
Here’s mine:
To feel fully expressed: Take more personal “risks,” especially around public visibility, clear away any remaining limiting thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that keep me from feeling safe in that self-expression (mindful presence, practicing more emotional self-regulation, seeking healers when I need extra support)
To feel aligned with divine purpose: Making time for stillness, to get my feet in the water or the dirt, to deepen my awareness and relationship with my spiritual guides
To feel more loving of myself and others: To be kinder in the way I speak to myself, to ask for what I want, to celebrate myself when I do something courageous, to assume good intentions of others, to make my website and offerings more accessible to people with disabilities
To feel in choice: To remember that I am not a victim of anyone or anything except my own mind, to seek solutions rather than dwell on obstacles, to keep my “internal camera pulled back” as consistently as possible so I have choice over each “next now-moment”
To feel delightfully surprised: To intentionally create more fun in everyday tasks
By engaging in inspired actions that align with your personal values, you can embark on the new year with a deeper understanding of yourself, a clear sense of purpose, and a commitment to embodying a life that truly reflects what matters most to you.
When you’re done, hit REPLY to this email and share your list with me. I want to celebrate you!
Make this year one for the books!
In wholeness,
Sharon Marie Scott
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