Kink as Medicine
In The Woo Underground, we talk a lot about the personal growth and inner expansion that comes from integrating our shadows, those parts of the unconscious mind formed from repressed ideas, instincts, impulses, desires, and fears…
As a child, the development of the shadow self is a necessary survival mechanism we are forced to employ in order to belong (and receive care) or to mold ourselves into “civilized members of society”.
But these rejected parts of ourselves don’t just lay dormant within us. According to psychoanalyst Carl Jung, unless we are consciously aware of or embodying the repressed desires that comprise our shadow, those unresolved shadows will seek expression in unhealthy ways (judgment or criticism, passive aggression, violence to the self or others, among others.).
It is my lived experience and the experience of so many of the clients I support that our primal drive for sexual connection, erotic expression, and even intimate relationships actually have little to do with the sex, procreation, or even pleasure…
Now that I am on the other side of so many of my early traumas (childhood sexual abuse and incest, emotional abuse and neglect, codependence, poor boundaries, perfectionism, and more), I finally recognize that the pursuit of sex, connection, and the erotic has actually been about knowing the self more deeply –
Or about coming into a fuller expression and alignment of one’s unique divine essence.
When done with reverence and intentionality, kink can be a highly effective (and sexy AF) playground in which to explore, to play, and to welcome home these fractured parts of ourselves.
Kink-as-medicine then, becomes the process of turning one’s “dirty thoughts” into sacred space, and transforming your relationship to your dark desires from one of unconscious and unresolved need (to be ”whole” again) to one of conscious choice, and play (self-love and integration).
WHAT IS KINK?
Depending on where you look, you’ll find varying definitions of “kink.” I define kink as any sexual or erotic practice that falls outside what is considered acceptable by “polite society,” especially anything that feels taboo, or any desire that traditional society would “clutch their pearls” about.
This means that while there are some topics we can assume will be received by society at large as “kinky” - fetish play, forced orgasm, or bondage and discipline, as examples - each person’s shadows are wholly unique to them and the environments in which they were raised (and can be amplified by ancestral and past life inheritances).
Conscious kink is the pursuit of knowing and celebrating the self by intentionally saying yes to your deepest, darkest desires - and having someone meet you in those desires. [Click here for my free e-guide, EQ for Conscious Pervs:]
Kink-as-medicine invites you to look deeper at your history of unmet needs and to notice what's happening in your mind and body as you play. It’s about meeting yourself first in those desires then allowing those experiences to heal and empower you by reframing any thought-patterns of embarrassment, guilt, and shame into arousal, pleasure, and celebration.
THE BENEFITS OF KINK-AS-MEDICINE
Self-Awareness and Self-Esteem: Uncovering your unconscious shadows or unmet need starts with asking yourself “why” you’re drawn to certain aspects of kink. It’s important to know that asking doesn’t always produce ready answers, but the conscious self-inquiry sparks self-awareness, which can increase self-acceptance and self-esteem - which has a transcendent healing effect of its own.
Stress Relief: Engaging in kinky play often involves a strong focus on sensory experiences and physical sensations. This “forced presence” can help you disconnect from daily stressors by being wholly present in the moment, which promotes relaxation and a grounded connection to self.
Endorphin Release: Certain kinky activities such as impact play (i.e. spanking, flogging) and restraint can lead to the release of endorphins, which are natural "feel-good" chemicals in the body. This can result in feelings of euphoria and increased emotional well-being.
Trust and Communication: Successful kink experiences require clear communication and negotiation of desires and boundaries. This can foster trust (especially of self), improve interpersonal communication skills, and can translate to better communication in other areas of life.
Empowerment: In BDSM and more nuanced kink dynamics, individuals can explore power exchange and other role-play scenarios. For some, embodying Authority over someone or surrendering authority to Someone Else in a controlled environment can help them explore different facets of themselves, which can feel nourishing and empowering.
Healing from Trauma: Like me, some people use kinky play as a way to process and heal from past traumas. Engaging in consensual kink activities can provide a sense of control over traumatic memories and allow for a reclamation of personal power and agency.
Body Positivity: Engaging in kink can help people celebrate their body’s unique physical features. It shifts the focus from societal standards to personal preferences and pleasure.
WAYS TO USE KINK AS MEDICINE
Here are a few ways one might use kink as medicine:
To create a moment of power/authority/agency
To re-create a past moment of power
To invite emotional resolution, healing, or integration of past trauma
To explore one’s edges and limits (which invites growth and expansion)
To feed early unmet needs
To relieve stress
KINK AS MEDICINE - REAL LIFE EXAMPLES
At first glance, using kink as medicine might feel fun and easy - and it can be. It's crucial to remember that while some individuals find therapeutic benefits in using kink as a form of self-care, it's not a replacement for professional therapy when dealing with serious trauma or acute mental health issues.
If someone is considering exploring kink for therapeutic purposes, they should approach it with self-awareness, education, and a commitment to ethical and consensual practices that honor all parties involved.
Below are some lived examples of how kink has been used as medicine:
To Re-Create a Moment of Empowerment. A professional Dominatrix shared the story of a male-identified client who would ask her to stand at the opposite end of the room, run straight for him, and kick him violently in the balls.
I remember thinking Why the fuck would he want that?
Years ago, the client had been mugged in an alley by two men and a woman. The men stood on either side of him, holding him in place, and encouraged the woman to kick the man in the balls. She wound up and - oof! - nailed him in the scrotum. Rather than crumpling to the ground in pain as one might predict, the client experienced a radiating surge of energy and power, which he used to disarm the two men and chase them off.
He wanted to re-experience that feeling of power.
To Feed Early Unmet Needs. When I first discovered the kink community, I identified as a submissive but I didn’t know why I was drawn to being in service, or why I wanted to surrender to a Dominant. I just knew I longed for it.
It took some experimentation (and barreling over some boundaries I didn’t know I even had) to understand that I was looking to resolve some unmet needs from my childhood, namely to feel important/like I mattered (by having Someone’s undivided attention), to feel desired and cherished (by feeling “owned,” if only for a few hours), to have a sense of purpose (by being in service), and to feel valued (by being appreciated in that service).
[Click here to get access to my 31-page e-book, Kink Fundamentals for submissives]
To Invite Emotional Resolution. I was asked by a friend to participate in a waterboarding scene, to help her confront her fear of water. When she was young, she took a swim class taught by two swim instructors. One day in the pool, the instructors - trying to teach her how to kick and propel herself under the water - each held one of her arms and pulled her under the water - and wouldn’t let her surface as she panicked and struggled to escape their grip.
This was an understandably traumatic experience and she wanted to re-create a version of that moment with the freedom to explore her own fear around deep water and drowning (with the power to end the experience when she chose).
It was a deeply humbling experience to witness the transformation that took place from the inside out as she came out of the scene, and in the time since our scene together.
In her words: “Just after I felt amazing. Ecstatic and free. Like everything was glowing and vibrating. I felt powerful. The biggest difference is when I’m in the water of course. Like snorkeling in the open ocean, I had some little bits of anxiety when I dove in, but felt really much more confident right away very quickly. And I didn’t have the fear come up, I felt grounded and secure even in darker waters where it was harder to see depth. While not in the water, my favorite take away is the experience of overcoming something difficult in times when I need. Something I can draw on and remind myself of taking my power back when I’m feeling doubtful of my strength or worth.”
[A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT SCENE SAFETY: Waterboarding and any scenes that carry similar risk should be thoughtfully over-planned. For example, since the nature of the scene was one of intentional struggle against those of us who were holding her down (and because the hood and water would make speaking unintelligible), we did several practice runs for what her safeword/red/stop would look like - in this case, a particular foot stomp - versus what “normal” struggle looked and felt like before executing the scene - so those of us participating could be vigilant about her safety.]
To Relieve Stress. The following is a post-scene excerpt written by a female-identified bottom who I did a sensation and impact scene with, as a Top. The intention of the scene was to help her “let go” (one way this can be accomplished is by overwhelming the brain and body with sensation, as in this scene…):
Uncontrollable convulsions and quakes take over my body, the kind born from an overload of chemicals flooding my veins. My own blood has not been able to keep up with the strikes being dealt to my quivering body. I’m going to give up, I can’t take anymore.
Gah, my ribs! My mind and my body are not on speaking terms. Unable to anticipate the next blow, barely able to process the intensity of one hit prior to another making contact with my flesh. So I give up the anticipation game as a hand encircles my hair. The tight grip pulling, yet holding me steady and in place, gives me strength.
Then a wave hits me. A wave of calm endurance. I crumble to the bench I’ve been gripping so tight my knuckles ache. It supports my body as the wave of release washes over me. Another succession of hits breaks through my wall of emotion, which had barricaded my mind from feeling the brutality being waged on my skin.
I immediately collapse again and my body is wracked with sobs. Yet there’s no pain that compares to the pain in my chest. The pressure I didn’t realize was there until now, is slowly being released...
An arm encircles the back of my neck with a slight pressure pulling my face to hers. Hands that I’ve felt caress, scratch and kneed my body, cup my cheek in the most caring way. Her face is so near to mine, cheek to cheek. I can feel her breathing as she holds my forehead against the nape of her neck. She reminds me verbally to breathe, I fill my lungs with moist, humid air. I taste sweat and tears. I feel power and love.
I briefly worry that because I’m crying they’ll stop.
I feel her emotions pouring into me, she’s feeling this too. She’s right there with me. Everything I’m exuding from this pressure in my chest she can feel too. They can’t stop though, not yet, this pressure in my chest is finally lessening…
Did you notice that the real life examples above have little or nothing to do with sex, sexual pleasure, or orgasm? They had to do with knowing and/or re-building a stronger sense of self.
What parts of yourself are you ready to call home?
In wholeness,
Sharon
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