Alternative Relationship Styles
I believe that to be in-relationship, especially a romantic and/or sexual relationship, is to be on an ever-evolving spiritual journey of self-love, co-creation, and knowing the self more deeply.
Relationships are meant to reflect back to us the false stories we created about ourselves and the world as children (awareness), and to be the portal through which we let go of those stories (surrender and integration) and re-member ourselves as the divine Creators of our lives. [Awareness, surrender, integration, re-membering… this is the cycle of spiritual expansion.]
Monogamy is generally known as the practice of having an exclusive sexual and emotional/romantic relationship with one person. It is also the most common and most culturally-celebrated form of intimate relating in the world.
As children, we are bombarded with media in every form that expounds the virtues of finding The One, getting married, having children, and growing old together as The Recipe for Living Happily Ever After.
There are people - like me - who move through a large part of their lives playing by these compulsory relationship rules for years, even decades, and only learn there are other options when they’re presented with an opportunity to make a different choice.
When I opened myself up to non-traditional relating (a sexy proposition I’ll share at another time), it was the first time I ever had a taste of what it meant to have freedom over my thoughts, feelings, and desires, the first time I had true sovereignty of my time, my body, and my heart - instead of being unconsciously led by society’s idea of what happiness was supposed to look like.
We are in an era of rapid social change and increasing diversity in family economics and structures. A study in the Journal of Sex Research (2016) found that around 20% of Americans reported having engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy. A February 2023 YouGov poll finds that one-third of Americans (34%) describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy. Polyamory, one form of non-traditional relating, has become a topic for various television series and is being actively discussed in Vogue Magazine, Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, Women's Health, CNN, BBC Radio, and other popular media.
The rigid structures that once confined love and relationships are slowly eroding. Now, more than ever, individuals, couples, and families seek the freedom to shape their own love stories, to find true fulfillment in their relationships, and to break free from the limitations and restrictions monogamous culture can impose.
I’ve been engaging in some form of non-traditional relating for more than 15 years now, lead discussion groups on the topic, and hold workshops for psychologists who want to broaden the kind of support they offer.
To be clear, I’m not an opponent of monogamy (conscious monogamy is a thing!), but I am driven by a desire for the world to know that there is more than one “right” way to be in-relationship.
WHAT IS AN ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP?
An alternative relationship is any form of romantic or sexual relationship that sits outside of monogamy. You will also hear this practice referred to as non-monogamy. Other variations are: ethical non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, open relating, and relationship anarchy.
ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP STYLES - THE CURRENT SPECTRUM
The following is a snapshot of the current spectrum of alternative relationship styles, along with the basic tropes of each. Know that there are, as always, exceptions to each relationship- or play-style here, and that the language and terms around them are also constantly evolving…
It’s also worth noting that I will be using some gendered and other binary/“limiting” descriptions for some. While these communities are evolving in the right direction, it’ll still take some collective education and evolution before we see all gender-expressions and all relationship orientations represented.
Monogamish
Right Place Right Time. A monogamish couple is mostly sexually exclusive to each other except for “right place right time” interactions, in which they usually play together. An exception to this might be if a partner travels a lot and engages in intimate play while they’re away. Otherwise, to any outsider looking in, they appear to have a traditional monogamous relationship.
Open Relationship
Emotional and Romantic Exclusivity. In an open relationship, the individuals date or play with others outside of the central relationship, but have little or no intention of nurturing or maintaining other emotional or romantic connections.
Limited/No Information Sharing. Some couples in open relationships (and/or monogamish ones) have a practice of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT). This means they don’t talk about their other interactions or relationships with their established partner at all - essentially behaving as if they have no outside relationships.
Swinging
Mostly (Heterosexual) Couples. The majority of the people who participate in the swinger lifestyle are heterosexually coupled - though there are also plenty of single men to be found, as well as the illustrious “unicorn” (a bi- or pansexual single female who enjoys playing with couples).
Emotional Exclusivity. Interactions within the swinger community tend to be casual and/or only sexual in nature, rather than emotional.
Assumption of Female Bisexuality. In the swinging community, there tends to be an assumption that all women are bisexual - many are, but not all. Profiles should be read thoughtfully and without assumption.
Women as Gatekeepers. Women tend to be the gatekeepers of most interactions. Meaning, when there is a spark between the ladies, get ready for the steamy negotiations to begin…
Sex-positive! What I enjoy most about the swinging community is its sex-positive attitude and tendency to refer to sex as “play.” In the best moments, this creates an atmosphere of joy, aliveness, and adventure when sharing space.
Consent Can be Sketchy. Swingers aged 50 and older tend to come from an “earlier generation” of (misogynous) swingers who assume that any woman is there to be touched and played with by anyone in attendance - just because she showed up. This is something that needs to change in the community. When attending parties or “lifestyle events”, one should pay attention to their surroundings, and use their voice early and often.
Polyamory
More Emotionally- or Romantically-Connected Relationships. Polyamory, as a relationship style, tends to nurture more emotionally-connected relationships, and could be described as looking more for “love” and connection rather than play.
Skewed Image in Media. Polyamory is often depicted in the media as monogamy-plus-one and tends to only offer a myopic and conflict-rich look into one polyamorous configuration: one white cis-gendered heterosexual man and two white bisexual women. This doesn’t even scratch the surface of the rich diversity of real-life polyamorous relationship configurations. Some other configurations are: Closed poly, hierarchical poly, egalitarian poly, solo poly, kitchen table/garden party poly, parallel poly, and (closed and open) triads.
Relationship Anarchy
All Relationships Are Equally Valuable. In relationship anarchy, romantic and/or sexual relationships are not held as “more valuable” than non-romantic or non-sexual relationships. They are all considered equally meaningful.
Only the People in the Relationship Determine its Parameters. Relationship anarchists rebel against the traditional societal standards of what a relationship “should” look like, emphasizing that relationship expectations are determined only by those active in the relationship.
Equal “Power” for Each Person in the Relationship. Taking a cue from anarchistic principles, relationship anarchists work to de-colonize their relationships and eliminate hierarchies, meaning to set their relationships up so that no one has power over anyone else.
A Rejection of Labels. Because of the emphasis on autonomy and fluidity, relationship anarchists tend to reject putting labels on themselves, each other, or their relationships. The idea is that relationships should be based on mutual consent, transparent communication, and interdependence rather than more rigid structures like monogamy or even polyamory. This also allows for relationships to flow more fluidly from one configuration to another without the notion of “escalation” or “de-escalation,” which emphasizes that sexual or romantic relationships hold more significance.
It’s important to note that these lifestyles are not all orgies, lace panties, and hedonism. They require a lot of internal fortitude, and personal growth.
Non-monogamy doesn’t fix existing relationship problems. In fact, it more often highlights vulnerabilities you weren’t even aware of yourself, so be ready to roll up your emotional sleeves if you ever decide to dip your toe into the pool.
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If you’re interested in diving deeper into the topic of alternative relationships, I’ve finally created a self-paced online course, Alternative Relationships 101, a primer that includes basic vernacular, common myths and assumptions, and how our early societal programming influences our relationship choices and assumptions as adults.
The course digs into mono-, amato, and heteronormative programming, unicorns and unicorn-hunting, and illustrates the difference between non-monogamy as an identity versus non-monogamy as a relationship style.
It covers some of the key challenges people face including jealousy, includes a Jealousy Meditation Exercise you can use at any time you or someone you know is struggling - and offers other areas of study that will help support anyone considering an alternative relationship.
It even includes two of my popular e-Guides: Love Languages for Self-Care and The Art of Interdependent Relating.
To get immediate access to the course, click here:
It wasn’t until I was courageous enough to be honest with myself about my true desires in life and love, and systematically challenged this societal relationship conditioning that I began to experience how much more full life could feel.
I achieved the living, breathing, ever-evolving definition of happily ever after not because I began to pursue multiple lovers and partners, but because I learned what it meant to belong to myself rather than to fit in, and finally opened myself up to the most meaningful relationship of all…
The relationship with myself.
It is possible to have commitment and freedom, security and erotic tension, playfulness and deep intimacy, all while having authenticity and integrity in our partnerships.
In wholeness,
Sharon
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