“Oh, You’re ‘One of Those…’”

This week, my nesting partner and I were at a social gathering that we regularly attend. This was what one of the female-identifying people there said to him after inquiring about his and my connection.

While he has been a part of this weekly club for over a decade, my earnest participation - especially in establishing myself as a bonafide member of the club rather than being known as my partner’s “girlfriend” - has really only been in the last year.

I live my life out loud at this point and while I don’t throw my queerness or my relationship style in anyone’s face, (my nesting partner and) I don’t hide it either.

There are some weeks when I’m not able to attend the event and he often uses this as an opportunity to bring other people he’s close with. There are some weeks when I attend in addition to those other people. I believe these times are the most “helpful” to those who question the viability of our relationship style because it shows how our words are aligned with our actions --

That we are living our relationship with intentionality, compassion, emotional accountability, and transparency.

People are infinitely curious, of course, and inevitably ask for more details about the structure of our relationship. I used to have an easier time sharing my unique take on relationships, but lately I have struggled more with languaging this from my point of view because I am transitioning away from using relationship labels that suggest ownership of the other person. 

Declaring (or even assenting) that I’m someone’s “girlfriend” makes me cringe these days because it feels really important to me right now to be defined by my words, my deeds, and how I show up in the world rather than being defined by my relationship to others.

And the truth is, the nature or closeness of my relationship with someone is nobody’s business, especially in casual conversation. 

Even using the term “my nesting partner” for context and clarity in this article makes me uncomfortable… To be clear, my desire to move away from this language has nothing to do with my regard for my nesting partner or that relationship - it is an internal need to consciously honor the personal sovereignty of the people I engage with, even when they’re not around...

It’s also a healthy reminder to me that they are free to leave the relationship at any time, for any reason - which encourages me to participate more mindfully in the health and nurturing of that connection.

Rather than feel scared or worried by this truth (anymore), I actually appreciate the healthy erotic tension and inpsiration that this reminder creates.

Naturally, I’ve had a lot of exposure to people’s judgment of my lifestyle, especially my relationship style. But I’ve done enough internal work to recognize that people’s judgement of me isn’t about me at all --

Their judgement is a reflection of the uncomfortable parts of their shadow that feel too challenging for them to look at within themselves and it feels safer to cast that judgemental gaze outward rather than inward.

Am I “one of those”? 

Well, if they mean one of those who honors mine and other’s autonomy above all --

One of those who questions the assumptive social constructs of amato-, mono-, and hetero-normativity --

One of those who focuses on being a great partner rather than looking for partners to change so I can feel “safe” in-relationship --

One of those who no longer seeks validation outside of myself as a measure of my self-worth or “completeness” --

One of those who believes that every one is The One when we share space together —

One of those who holds the needs and happiness of the individuals in a relationship above the need for permanence of the relationship --

...Then yes, I sure as hell am ONE OF THEM.

In wholeness,
Sharon Marie Scott

P.S. Have any experiences of judgement you want to share, or a question you’d like answered about living an alternative lifestyle? Email me at sharon@sharonmariescott

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