The Taste of Longing
What thoughts, images, or feelings does the word longing bring up for you?
A simple search online describes longing as a yearning desire.
When I asked some of the people close to me, I was surprised by their answers --
An ache
Something missing
A desire that hurts because you can’t have it
Mourning
Now think about longing in the context of relationships (any relationship, not just romantic/sexual ones)...
Oof. Sounds pretty heavy.
I see people go to great lengths to avoid ever feeling longing: wanting daily interaction, trying to never be alone, having unreasonable expectations for sharing time, enmeshing in partnerships…
These behaviors are responses to co-dependent modeling and past wounding, including generational trauma.
Feeling pained by longing is a choice.
If you change the story, you’ll change the feeling.
What’s more, you can choose not to engage in story at all. Instead, you can tune into the physical sensation of longing in your body.
For me, longing feels like a mild tightening in my chest that is warm and buzzy. If I am longing for a partner who I’m often sexual with, that warm sensation will usually be coupled by a clenching or rush of sensation (blood flow) to my ladybits. These sensations aren’t painful. And without the story, they’re just sensations.
It’s like nervousness… did you know that, from a neuro-chemical perspective, nervousness and excitement are identical to the brain? It’s only the story you tell yourself that defines your experience --
If you aren’t able to tune into the body in this way yet, try playing with this thought: what if you chose to experience longing as a craving? Like the way you might feel when you think of your favorite dessert?
How does your brain or body respond to that thought? Is it different?
For those who can feel into the body, which story feels more expansive or more pleasurable?
Did you know you had a choice?
When I let go of the story, or think of it as a craving, longing feels delicious.
This is an example of how you start to take control of your emotional response. This is how you consciously start nurturing yourself, by calling in more joy and pleasure.
Even if the longing is about something you can’t have, you can still choose to discard the story and just sit in the deliciousness of the sensation or the idea of craving.
I didn’t always think (or feel) this way. I used to suffer from longing. I used to focus on lack rather than the deliciousness of desire.
I used to “need” a weekly scheduled date with romantic/sexual partners in order for me to feel safe and wanted in the relationship. My wounded relationship conditioning programmed me to interpret how often we spent time together as a measure of my value to them. Subconsciously, this “need” was a bandaid that shielded me from my internal belief that I was not enough --
Does this resonate with you?
I don’t avoid feelings of longing anymore. In fact, the pace of my relationships (romantic, sexual, and/or otherwise) is now dictated by how long it takes me to long for that person.
In my nesting relationship, that longing begins after about 12 hours.
For a few people close to me, it’s about every two weeks.
For others, it’s months or even years.
That frequency isn’t a measure of their value to me. It’s the pace at which I am able to bring my most enthusiastic and mindful presence to our interactions, which is what both of us deserve.
I respond to longing from a wanting place now rather than reacting from a wounded place.
Even with my nesting partner. I am not entitled to his time just because I long for that reconnection with him. When that longing arises, I formulate my ask and reach out.
Longing is a beautiful part of the human experience.
How will you choose to experience it?
In wholeness,
Sharon Marie Scott
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