The Shadow Self
We are born into this reality whole and complete and with a unique divine story to play out, but we learn from a very early age - through modeling, conditioning, and reinforcement - that it isn’t safe to embody all of who we are.
As we continue to be shaped to fit in and molded to become civilized members of society, we learn to only allow the (societally-sanctioned) good parts of our nature to be seen, and that the bad parts are rejected, ignored, and hidden.
This fracturing is at the heart of the shadow self.
According to psychoanalyst Carl Jung, the shadow self is part of the unconscious mind and is composed of repressed ideas, impulses, desires, perversions, and fears. At its core, our shadow is anything that we have been taught to judge in ourselves or others.
As a child, the development of the shadow self was a necessary survival mechanism.
But these rejected parts of ourselves don’t just lay dormant inside of us. Jung warns: “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is… if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected.”
The shadow is only shadow because it is repressed.
Unless we are consciously aware of or embodying the repressed desires that comprise our shadow, they will seek expression in unhealthy ways like judgment or criticism, passive aggression, violence to the self or others, etc.
Given the dichotomy of our puritanical-yet-hyper-sexualized societal standards, it’s no surprise that so much of our individual and collective shadow centers around sexual and erotic expression.
And it is the repression of these thoughts and feelings that is one of the biggest barriers in any person’s capacity to develop self-love or to live authentically.
What if you could feel empathy or even pleasure around your shadows instead of judgment?
Shadow work is about learning to set aside shame and blame. It’s about first owning that we are, as humans, capable of all of the thoughts, feelings, and deeds that we repress, and then it’s about finding conscious, healthy, and consensual ways to express these shadows.
Alternative lifestyles are highly effective (and sexy AF) playgrounds for this because, by their very definition, they already include the taboo or, as Carolyn Elliott, author of Existential Kink, puts it, because the “... sensations that we experience as terrible or painful are just pleasure without approval.”
When you welcome your unconscious shadow into conscious desire and play, you are no longer in resistance or judgment and the shadow no longer needs to exist. This is when we are able to transmute the feelings of judgment and wrongness into aliveness and empowerment.
IDENTIFYING THE UNCONSCIOUS
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.” -Carl Jung
So, how do we discover our unconscious shadows when we’re not conscious of them?
It’s easier than you think. Because we are the Creators of our reality, we need only observe how our life is playing out in the present to find clues.
But be warned, this kind of self-inquiry takes a lot of honesty and deep deep compassion. Be gentle with yourself as you dive in, and know that awareness is the first step on the journey of healing.
Your World as a Mirror
Abraham Hicks says, “A belief is just a thought you keep thinking.” This applies to unconscious beliefs as well –
An unconscious belief is just a thought (or program) running outside of your conscious awareness.
Here are some simple examples and ways to spot your own unconscious shadows:
Money
What are your beliefs around money? Do you believe that money and success only come from hard work? Does money come easily to you but then somehow slips through your fingers? Do you think that people with money are assholes or that money is the root of all evil?
If money isn’t yet flowing to you and through you with ease, you likely still have limiting unconscious beliefs around money.
If you are familiar with the Law of Attraction, you know that these kinds of thoughts block you from receiving because they send conflicting messages about what you’re actually ready to receive.
Relationships
How are your closest relationships playing out right now? Do you feel abundantly cherished and celebrated by the people around you or do you still deal with judgment, poor boundaries, or passive aggression?
If your relationships don’t yet feel full of vibrancy, joy, and ease, you’re likely unaware of your unconscious shadows around relating.
Self-Worth
Do you consider yourself to be “enough”? Do you have trouble saying no? Are you anxious in relationships? Codependent? A people-pleaser?
If you find yourself in circumstances where you are chasing affection or people, or feel like you have to prove yourself (even if it’s just to yourself), you likely have unconscious shadow beliefs around worthiness.
Are you starting to get it?
Any aspect of your life that doesn’t feel in flow with joy and momentum points to unconscious beliefs that have yet to be acknowledged. Which means that every moment of discomfort in life is an opportunity for healing because our discomfort is the alert to a piece of our shadow that is begging to be re-integrated.
Psychological Projection
Another way to discover your unconscious beliefs is to notice how you judge or perceive others.
Psychological projection is a defense mechanism that occurs when a conflict arises between our unconscious feelings and our conscious beliefs. In order to avoid the feelings of self-judgment, we attribute these feelings to someone or something else.
By projecting these feelings onto others, we can avoid having to consciously identify them, take ownership of them, and deal with them. The more upsetting we find the feeling, the greater the impulse to project it onto someone else.
As Therapist and Relationship Coach, Monika Hoyt, says, “Projection is the single most derailing and destructive phenomenon in intimate relationships.”
There are 3 common types of Projection:
Neurotic Projection occurs when a person perceives others as behaving in ways they secretly judge (or would judge) themselves for. An example would be when a person who is considering having an affair accuses their spouse of cheating.
Complementary Projection occurs when a person assumes others already share their beliefs. Assuming everyone in the kink community is polyamorous or that every Dominant is a sadist are both examples of complementary projection.
Complimentary Projection occurs when a person assumes that just because they can do something, endure something, or handle something, that other people can too. This is where you will see people bring up ableism.
By only seeing our own desirable traits in others, we can never see that person as they really are because we are overlooking what that person is good at or what they struggle with.
Other Ways to Recognize Pieces of Your Shadow
Righteousness. You’re unequivocally convinced you’re right about the situation at hand – and you’re certain the other person is at fault.
Feeling Wronged. If a minor argument leaves you feeling deeply hurt, you’re likely projecting a wound from your past onto the situation. It could be a parent who let you down or an experience from your youth when you felt harmed or cheated by someone.
Feels Like an Emergency. Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety or panic during an argument? The need to resolve a conflict immediately is a signal that you’re likely bringing a past traumatic event into the present moment.
Learning to welcome, explore, and embrace the shadow self is one of the most important and worthy commitments you could ever task yourself with on your spiritual journey, and life in general.
Imagine what our world would look like if more people were honest with themselves, reclaimed their repressed shadows so they weren’t “haunted” by self-judgment anymore, and rediscovered a deeper sense of inner peace and wholeness?
Don’t discount the value and power of this work – it has the potential to change the world.
In Sovereignty,
Sharon
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